Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize