I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
