new low.... made out with someone while peeing
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
