can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
