Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize