U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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