every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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