the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I puked a lego.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
