I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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