The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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