I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You can't just leave with hair like that
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
