Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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