my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
