My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
