I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
soo... how was my night?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
