I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Randomize