omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize