The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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