dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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