Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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