He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
