I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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