Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
