I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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