Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
