You're so nebulous sometimes
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
