my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
