she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
