she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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