I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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