I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
