Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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