My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
