Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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