and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
