dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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