Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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