he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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