hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
she told me i tasted like america
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
