FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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