think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Your cock deserves a montage
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
