My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
