cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
