Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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