dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
