Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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