don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
