If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
