New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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