Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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