If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she smelled like a LAN party
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
