took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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