someone threw a dead crab at me
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Randomize
