My brain says no but my pants say off.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
