whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
