the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
