im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
