Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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