Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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