You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
