you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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